May 20th, 2021
As I drove Leah to work today - I passed through a familiar area near our home. The cemetery.
And there he was… Again.
There’s rarely a time that I go by during the daytime hours - that he is not here. He never pulls into the cemetery - rather he pulls off to the side of the road… it’s closer. He retrieves the lightweight lawn chair from his trunk and slowly makes his way to the gravestone. Alone. Always alone.
Today as the scorching mid-day sun beat down on his head, he sat quietly, with a white towel wrapped around his neck. Quiet and still. I assume for hours… He is there when I leave and still there when I return. A man of sorrows - acquainted with grief.
Usually our van is busy with incessant conversation or music, arguing, or planning something… but when we reach this bend in the road - we all grow silent. We grieve for the one who has lost someone dear. Collectively, we sigh with sorrow and silently pray for grace to meet him today.
Sometimes I cannot help but let the tears fall - like today… My heart is gripped by his never ending visits to the gravestone. I don’t know his story - but sometimes I wish I did. I can only assume the passing of someone dearly beloved still leaves a hole.
I wonder if it was a spouse, or a child… a parent or a friend. I wonder if they walked together daily… side by side. I wonder if there were things still needing to be said. Maybe he sits for comfort or maybe regrets run deep - I don’t know his story - sometimes I wish I did...
Sometimes I imagine myself stopping and saying, “hello” but then what would I say? So I just pray and continue along. Maybe I will stop someday - when the time is right - but for now, I just nod as I pass and pray.
I learn, as I mature, that not every burden is mine to carry. I am called to love, to care, to honor, to bless. I am called to help bear the burdens of others around me… but I am not called to be their god. I know I have a caring and gracious heart (sometimes!) particularly for those who are hurting and desperate. Yet, over the years God has slowly taken me on a long long journey of learning to sit quietly and not jump into “saviour-mode” at every turn.
Foundationally, it begins with me acknowledging - I am no one’s ultimate saviour - it is not my place… That’s for God.
We are called to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God - just not IN PLACE of God.
It’s a good day when I can pass through someone else’s area of pain and know I’ve given what I’m called to give… grace, prayer, honor, and respect. Maybe someday the perfect timing will have him standing at his trunk and me passing through with a fresh, untouched cup of coffee on a cold winter day - but until then - I have to trust that God loves this beautiful gentleman more than I ever could.
I suppose I’d be remiss and not transparent if I didn't disclose, though, how I’m failing miserably as I pass through another area on a totally different road in the opposite direction. That story involves five too many sheep in a crazy tiny space…
Sometimes I imagine myself sneaking in at night and releasing them into the wild - but… (sigh)
It’s the journey of the gentleman and the sheep… a journey of disciplined humility.
