May 29th, 2021
She did it.
They did it.
We did it……...
4:30am - a whole half hour earlier than planned - the dynamic duo pulled out of the driveway to embark on their two week adventure - “Out West.”.
Heaven knows, though, these two weeks are really just the beginning of a brand new chapter in their lives - maybe even a new book.
There were moments yesterday, when Kat’s residual anxiety started rising… mini-panic attacks. And the tears would come, she would breathe, and it would pass. Nerves are something she has had to contend with her whole life. Good nerves, excited nerves, bad nerves… and everything in between.
From the beginning, Andrei and I - at best - muddled our way through the first stages of parenthood trying to figure out how to help her thrive. And just when we thought we were on some type of firmer footing - a new season would come and we would feel as though we were starting from scratch again.
Sleepovers were hard, playdates were tricky, camps were out of the question, high profile athletics weren’t appealing, and large school settings didn’t serve her well.
And so, over the years, there have been many moments when she’s watched the world pass by from the window seat… Opportunities, friendships, hangouts, “normalcy”... just out of reach. Eager and wanting, but held back in one way or another.
As a parent, I’ve tried to find a balance in pushing and waiting… giving her a little extra time to see if she could find her footing on her own before pushing her well beyond her comfort zone. Sometimes I think I might have done a good job - yet I’m positive I messed up many more times than not.
I remember when Kat was struggling in 9th and 10th grade - when “everyone” else seemed so typical, yet she just couldn’t seem to find her footing… not in sports, music, academics, or thriving relationships.
One day, I asked a dear friend of mine for wisdom in trying to find the balance for this pushing and waiting. I clearly remember, as though it were yesterday, her pointing outside to where I had planted daffodil bulbs that past fall.
She pointed to the now snow-covered beds and asked, “Do you remember planting bulbs there? Are they still there? Keep planting into Kat… Keep going and one day when you least expect it - she will burst through just like the daffodils and bloom where she is planted.”
I held onto that piece of grounded gritty faith for years…
I have so many memories like this…
There is another particularly significant memory that stands out from the rest… That of our very dear, high school, homeschool evaluator who serves as more of a coach/mentor to our family.
We were in the very first stages of planning and preparing Kat’s high school transcript. I asked for wisdom in knowing how to balance this pushing and waiting - specifically in building Kat’s transcript… She smiled and responded, “Let God write her story. Let God help you in all things. Let Him direct her academic path, build her transcript, build her whole life… Follow God. Follow His lead. And then, we will work the transcript backwards. Help her seek God, obey Him, follow Him and I promise you - it will all work out well.”
And that’s exactly what we did… Many overseas mission trips, a host of international trips, various special needs internships, entrepreneurial endeavors left and right, serving and leading in various community partnerships and somehow she was even just shy of achieving her associates degrees in paralegal studies while in high school. This coming from a formerly struggling student.
We let her grow slowly and quietly… not necessarily measuring up to the typical standards of her peers. That just wasn’t ever going to be the way she was naturally bent. We let her sink deep into experiences, opportunities, and let her slowly slowly slowly grow her roots deep.
And she began to thrive. She began to find her confidence… She began to sow her own path - forge her own future. And God was always at her back and before her… even when little made sense.
She grew in character and love.
She understands what it means to bow low to little ones and meet them at eye level. To listen carefully to their little hearts and squeeze love into their lives. She’s grown to love and adore kids that aren’t typical… kids with severe and debilitating needs. She’s found a way to make them understand safety and love. She cares deeply for her grandma (Nanny) who needs continual comfort and care. The list of her beautiful attributes is endless…
And over the years - something else was brewing - just beneath the surface. Friendship. Deep, heartfelt, beautiful friendship between a mom and daughter - and most of the time, we weren’t even cognitively aware...
And yet… the West -
The West has always called to her… yet felt just out of reach. Even though she and I crisscrossed the country together three times - it wasn’t the same as doing it herself… or with a best friend.
And so yesterday, when her tears spilled over just a little - I reminded her of something we have talked about often… the metamorphic process of CHANGE.
The stepping out stage. And thankfully God already set the stage for us in nature. Caterpillar to butterfly…
The scariest, most vulnerable stage of a butterfly’s life cycle is when the caterpillar has just closed up its cocoon and all goes dark. Quiet. Everything becomes liquid. A time of quiet TRANSITION...
The DNA of both the caterpillar and the forthcoming butterfly is buried deep in the liquid gold of the darkened cocoon. All that is necessary for moving from one state to the next is there… It's just a matter of time.
A time of quiet, deep change. A time of solid becoming liquid and emerging differently.
Yesterday, I gently pointed to the tears squeezing from her eyes - “That’s just the liquid gold, love… that’s the prize. That’s God taking your little heart and in perfect balance pushing you from little to big. That’s YOUR God - not just mine.”
And she smiled because she knows... this trip is the cocoon.
The metamorphic stage of little to big. College graduate to adult. And perhaps someday - wife, mom, aunt, and grandma…
THIS is what it means to be ALIVE -
And we write to remember...
(And they just passed Chicago - safe and sound… with one wet sneaker retrieved from the splashing waves of Lake Michigan. Next stop - Sioux Falls, South Dakota... )
