Day Three - April 3, 2020
“Today I (again) awoke to a white bundle of joy snuggled up to my legs.
The sun rose, despite a global pandemic. Momentary blue skies graced the sky as Andrei and I trudged through the tall grass and woods on our daily morning trek.
Because our laundry service took a hiatus for the past few days, yoga pants remained the only viable clothing option.“
*******
Here we go again… a brand new day with a measure of familiarity as we continue to adjust to the new normal. I held my breath as Nanny’s Zoom Study approached their start time this morning. Sure enough, it glitched and we had to move to Plan B. Thankfully, we’re beginning to anticipate the need for multiple plans. She cried with joy when I heard her see her girlfriends on the screen. It helped ease the pain of clenching my teeth for 30 minutes this morning. It helped remind me of the means by which we measure success… careful intentionality.
So with Nanny settled into her Zoom lesson, I moved to begin my own lesson. I usually host a Friday morning study here in my home. I’ll admit that I was really fearful to go into this study today. I was afraid that the sinking feeling of grief would return like the one after my birthday party… Then fearful that I wouldn’t have strength to pull myself out of a dark hole… and what if I got stuck in the dark hole... and the fear got bigger… Fear just circled ‘round and ‘round in my head - growing and growing until I felt ill.
I share vulnerably because this is what I’m committed to doing for the month of April. To be transparent and raw as a means of worship and discipline. To open the door and expose the HIDDEN. There is a freedom in honestly calling something what it is and is usually the first pivotal step in moving forward towards that freedom.
I used to run from experiences where I needed to be open and vulnerable like they were the plague. I bottled up my emotions, fears, and anxieties, rarely allowing most to see the pain they inflicted internally. But over time, with great mentors, pastors, teachers, life-coaches, Scripture and a gracious God - I have learned to trust the process of walking out this life with rawness, honesty and vulnerability. It is a careful dance and one I take seriously. We learn when we allow others, we trust, to speak life and truth into our lives.
I timidly entered our morning Zoom meeting aware of my internal wobbling. It is one thing to wobble and keep moving forward- but it is entirely different to wobble and run backwards. I watched… aware. I breathed… aware. Aware of the fragility of my emotions… and within a few moments, I was settled and secure - off and running. Normalcy... (if that’s possible with Zoom!)
Fear is such a powerful force that can shut down the bravest when it takes root in just the right area. It is a cheap commodity and costs virtually nothing. It can be magnified to appear way larger than reality. It paralyzes. Debilitates…
Interestingly enough, fear was one of the topics we talked about this morning. Fears surrounding real life circumstances. Real life scenarios. Real possibilities that truly might happen. Serious concerns. Serious considerations. Serious circumstances. How do we persevere through these? How do we face such grave possibilities??
I really only know one way that never fails… We have to face it.
Sometimes it is just simply necessary to mentally play out our fears to the farthest and worst case scenario with no holding back. Whatever it is that we imagine to be the worst - we travel down that road as far as we can go…. Dumping all we believe in one place.
And then we can begin the painful process of discovering what it is that we really believe. In this place, can I still say, “My God - the Resurrected God is still good.”? Can I bow to the knowledge that He holds my life in the palm of His hand with fierce and forensic love. Do I believe my Creator sees and knows. Do I believe He hides my soul behind the Rock. Should His glory pass by, should the storms blow, the earthquakes shatter, the pain and despair overwhelm… Can I believe my soul is HIDDEN in Him?
And if we take these TRUTHS back to our present day reality, we can see those same real life circumstances, scenarios, concerns so differently. We may wobble but step forward. One step after another. Unshaken. Unmoved. Hidden. Protected. Maybe not in body or how we prefer but deep in our soul!
It is work of the Comforter - our God. He instructs and guides. We submit and follow… and in it we are changed. This is how we face fear… and no one can take this away from us.
I really didn’t intend to write all this tonight… I was going to describe how I had to move 13 really long 2”x8”x12 FEET boards in the van today. I realized that didn’t have anything red tied to the back where the boards stuck out. I didn’t have far to go but I think it’s some kind of transportation rule. I dug around in the back of my van and found a small bag of clothing that someone outgrew. Lo and behold, there was a pair of red underwear hidden in there!
And so it was that I was legally able to finally move the garden boards from one area to the back yard!
(UPDATED:) Here is a 40 minute link that has helped me navigate my journey ). https://youtu.be/-8tdA8YMOYM
