May 12th, 2021
Such a good day in so many ways… My reflections today have come in spurts. Short, quick bursts of thoughts - all needing to be kept tidy while still moving productively through the day.
Early in the morning -
The sun is just popping over the horizon… beautiful and serene. It’s a big tournament morning - a big deal tournament. The one for which Daniel has been waiting all season. We have no idea if he will make it through this semi-final. We think this next opponent might be harder than the finalists.
I’m lying here quietly in bed, everyone else is soundly asleep, and I wonder, “Is there anything I might offer to better prepare him for the day?”
One thing I know, I have to first still my own heart. I have to first set my own sights beyond the court.
How do I get my heart grounded on such an exciting day, so that I might offer an example for our son to follow? To remain fully present, yet appropriately detached? Is detached even the right word?
How do I get my eyes to rise above the court and scorecards and see the real court and true score? It’s these lessons of the heart where God seems to be often fine tuning my heart right now. To hope and dream, imagine and pursue, to run full throttle, and yet -
And yet - question myself often with deep reflection and as much honesty as I can muster, “Is this an ultimate thing? Am I seeking in any way for this to fulfill something that only God should be fulfilling…” It's been a slow grueling process so far… My pride often gets in the way. I think I’m getting a bit better at spotting my inconsistencies and getting a bit better at being honest with myself.
This court, today, holds amazing potential for a thousand different reasons. A win today would mean more on this day than most - for reasons too long to lay out here.
And yet --- Says who?
See there’s the tiny loophole . Who actually says a win today holds amazing potential? People. Important people. It’s true.
And then there’s God - the God of Abraham, Isaac and nightmarish Jacob. Jacob, who sets his heart up for ultimate disaster by looking for blessings and accolades in all the right places, but finding himself ultimately cheated by his very own hand.
I remind myself again, “Only God can ultimately fulfill the deepest longings of our human hearts. Only God. We can work hard, seek out approval from others, win tournaments… but it is first and only God who can fulfill what is rightly His to fulfill. To seek for it anywhere else is … just idolatry.”
Yeah, a nasty word we modern people don’t like to use.
But if I’m going to get quick and fast, deep and honest about life - especially on tournament mornings - I’m going to have to call stuff what it is. If I’m going to lead my son to the ultimate Victor - then I first have to wrestle with truth.
And this isn’t always a quick “once-and-done-tuck-away” process for me.
But on mornings like this - this is a drilling down, moment by moment, taking inventory process for a thousand different reasons. The ultimate win. The heartbeat of God finely tuned - holding the heart in check - fully present, yet fully detached. No, the word isn’t “detached”… It should read - “fully present in full submission.”
And just about an hour and half later -
I’m at it again. Remembering. Reminding. Any win just can’t mean more than it should. Any hope must rest in the ultimate Hope so it doesn’t crush. This eager expectation has to settle itself in the long awaited expectation - Immanuel, God with us. Any win must pale in significance - there is no other way.
This is the way of the one who is maturing in Christ - this is the disciplined way. Growing in awareness, growing in faith, growing in understanding of what it means to be fully alive. Untethered, as it were, to earth’s rollercoaster ride of highs and lows… and deeply rooted in what is firm. Secure.
The game began with excitement and nerves - two strong opponents who strategized well. Our boys were fierce, determined, and quick on their feet. An hour and a half passed in seemingly no time at all and we had won. I was so proud of our son and his tennis partner. But even as they walked off the court, I felt my heart shift into gear, downshift to tap into a quiet reservoir of peace. Not because they won - but because of that one line I wrote earlier, “Any win just can’t mean more than it should…”
This line walked me into the finals as they faced fierce opponents. Our boys played well - the other team scored more points… and after a grueling third set tiebreaker - we lost. Silver, but not gold.
But the pump had been primed, the heart fully present in full submission and the proverbial coin flipped on its head… The line now read, “Any loss just can’t mean more than it should…”
It’s this tedious walk of discipline… of schooling our hearts to come under true grace. True freedom. This is how we walk fully alive. It’s not learned overnight, and there is incredible grace for every failure…
But once we get on this road of grace, this road of right thinking, this road of discipline… we find that we are more ALIVE than ever before. HE is ALIVE within us. “It is by grace, we are saved - not by doing good works - it is a gift - so that no one can boast.”
